Recently at our church, our pastor was giving a sermon on what it means to have faith. He explained that having faith wasn't about not having doubts. He said that having faith was about being obedient to what God's asking you to do, even in the face of doubt. I would hate to be thought of as a "Doubting Thomas", but I have to admit, occasionally I struggle with doubt. Okay, maybe a little more than occasionally.
Half the time I feel like I struggle with doubt because I question- "Is God asking me to do this, or am I wanting to hear this?" It's a little easier to be obedient when it's something our heart desires us to do, and another story entirely when it's something that makes us a bit uncomfortable.
So, when God told me to love myself more and embrace the person He created me to be this past season, I struggle with it. Why? Because loving myself more meant letting others hurt me less. Because it meant standing up for myself more. It meant drawing boundaries. It meant asking for help. Embracing who I am meant being more honest, even if it meant other wouldn't approve. It meant saying no to things that didn't make me a better me, or reflect who I am and who I want to be in Christ.
Choosing God first, and being obedient to Him, is not easy. Often times, others won't understand. Even the believers in your life often won't get it.
With the long, difficult Minnesota Winter looming ahead; Fall didn't exactly feel like an ideal time to rock my boat. What could I lose if I decided to listen to God, to love and treat myself with the respect God intended for me? If I chose to set limits on how people treated me, I could lose so much. Dreams I worked so hard to make a reality could swiftly be swept away. Relationships and friendships that I had invested so much time and energy into could crumble.
I had doubts... big doubts. I didn't want to risk losing everything I'd worked so hard for. I didn't want people mad at me. I didn't want to lose the future that I had envisioned for myself.
I doubted God's plans for me. I was afraid to be obedient. I was confused on whether my feelings were coming from me or from Him. Heck, when He told me to write this, I doubted Him. I did not want to be obedient to that one!
But, what I learned from when I took a step of faith, was that God was there to walk me. When others left my life, He replaced them. When help left, others stepped up. When I was lonely, He reminded me I am loved. He has provided.
When God stretches us to grow, it's not usually without growing pains. I want to be a person who grows in their faith. I want to have a willingness to say "yes" to Jesus before He even asks anything of me. I want to love myself, love others, and let others love me the way Jesus loves us.
